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Tantrums

Tantrums tend to start between two and three years old, they may also start earlier. During a tantrum, a child will often shout, scream and cry, they may also kick, hit or bite.

Tantrums are very common and almost all young children have them, some more than others. This is a normal phase of your child's development. 

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Tantrums can happen for all sorts of reasons. They may be tired, over stimulated, hungry, wanting something they can’t have, or they had something taken away from them. It may also be a way of getting your attention or expressing their feelings to you as they are not able to tell you how they are feeling. 

Young children are still developing their social, emotional, and language skills. This means they may struggle to communicate their needs and desires, including their need for independence. Frustration can easily arise, and they are still learning how their actions impact others. Tantrums, therefore, become a primary outlet for expressing and managing strong emotions, as well as a way to try and understand their surroundings.

Key Points:

  • If your young child is having tantrums, it can be a way of them expressing a need they are unable to communicate. It can also be an indicator that they may be hungry, tired or over stimulated 
  • Try to stay calm when your child is having a tantrum. This can be very hard to do but if you become stressed too your child will pick up on it. Keeping calm and in control shows your toddler that you are not overwhelmed by his or her emotions and while he or she feels out of control
  • Other ways to help could be by using a distraction method. Reading a book, singing or something else to look at where they are like a bus going past might help them forget that they were about to have an episode

When your child is having a tantrum:

  • Try to be calm and consistent - Talk to them but keep it slow, simple and quiet.
  • A hug can soothe and calm and make a child feel safe. They may be feeling alarmed by their own behaviour.
  • Think about what might have caused the anger or emotion to rise in the child. if you know what it was, you could also spell out what you think is happening for them at the same time in a way that makes them feel understood. If they were being e.g. “I know that it can make you feel bad when someone takes away a toy.”
  • Think about what might be going on for the child, and then respond. This could include, naming what they think is happening for the child, offering them a hug, helping the child to get rid of the physical feelings (e.g. to run around or dance) or finding a distraction.
  • Reassure - after the tantrum, once your child is calmer, reassure your child, talk to them about their emotions and if they are old enough, talk about how they might deal with those emotions differently.
  • You could try and distract them by pointing at the sky and ask them to count the clouds or point to an interesting item in the room – or talk about a topic that you know interests them. (But do avoid giving treats to make them feel better. Giving a child something like a sweet to get them to stop behaviour can actually prompt them to do it again.)
  • Suggest they walk with you to the special ‘quiet space’ to calm down and regulate their feelings.
  • Positive reinforcement - try to make a point of noticing and commenting on good behaviours (such as "you are playing very nicely with your brother") so that your child gets attention for acting in the way you would like them to.
  • It is useful to have a predictable routine for sleeping and eating in order to prevent your child becoming overly tired or hungry
  • Talking with your child about what you will be doing that day can prepare them for what is going to happen
  • Let your child make small choices about their day when this is possible

Sometimes we all need to ask for help. This may be from friends or family, or it may be asking a professional. If you feel like you just can’t cope, wherever possible, it is better to ask for help than to keep everything bottled up and suffer alone. This will help to reduce your own distress and will help you feel more able to deal with your toddler. Try give yourself a break sometimes:

  • go for a walk or do some exercise
  • meet with friends and have some time to yourself
  • sit down with a cuppa
  • read the paper
  • watch your favourite show
  • Ideas for staying calm could include taking a deep breath or counting to 10.

 

If you are struggling to cope with your child's behaviour, talk to your health visitor or GP.